


HOCD

by sadgay



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King, stenbrough - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Reddie, Stenbrough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-02-12 14:13:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12961074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadgay/pseuds/sadgay
Summary: HOCD – Homosexual OCD or the Fear of Being Gay





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> -this entire fic is going to mention the themes of being closeted and unable to come out.  
> -homophobic slurs may also be used.

HOCD – Homosexual OCD or the Fear of Being Gay

Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD) is categorized by intrusive thoughts revolving around one's sexual orientation. People with HOCD suffer through uncontrollable and unwanted intrusive thoughts and images that leave them in a state of fear and anxiety about whether they are truly straight.

A person suffering from this sub-type of OCD constantly doubts their sexual orientation.

Stan recites the phrase from the book of Leviticus his father had given to him. He recites this phrase every time he thinks about Bill Denbrough. He is not homosexual. He can't be. 

"If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." 

Stanley peered up from his books when he heard the familiar laughs that belonged to Richie Tozier. "What the fuck are you reading", Richie sneers reaching for the book out of Stan's hands. His eyes scan the page a smile still plastered across his face until he reads the contents of the bookmarked page. Richie hands the book back over to Stan offering an apologetic smile before fixing his glasses to fill the awkwardness that surrounds the two of them. They sit in silence for a while, Stanley trying to control his spiraling thoughts and Richie trying to think conversation starters. It isn't until the rest of the losers join them that the conversation sparks up again. Bill sits down next to Stanley pulling out a lunchbox from his bag and offering a sandwich up to Stanley. The atmosphere changes when they're all together: Richie cracks jokes and teases Eddie playfully with some new nickname he has recently thought up, today's being Eddie Spaghetti. But when Stanley looks at Bill the loud overwhelming atmosphere of a school lunchtime washes away because when Stanley looks at Bill he knows that everything is going to be okay again. "How has your day b-b-been so far?", Bill turns cross-legged to face Stan. When Bill looks at him, Stanley can't help but notice how different it feels to when the other losers look at him. Bill looks straight past the smile he forces onto his face and sees the the real Stanley Uris. The vulnerable, quiet boy who loves bird watching and boys. Bill Denbrough is the only person that Stan allows to see the real him. "It's been alright, how has your day been?", Stan smiled at his blue eyed friend. "Much buh-better now I'm w-w-with you.", the corners of Bill's mouth twist into a smile and his eyes meet Stan's. It is Stanley who has to look away first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ao3 won't let me paragraph this chapter so sorry about that   
> -i promise the next one will be better and longer


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stanley closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, an attempt to stop his mind racing. 
> 
> (Just enjoy the moment)
> 
> He relaxes into Bill's touch a little and shifts his body so he is pressed closely against the other boy. Bill smiles at him softly and Stanley thinks that this moment right here might just be the happiest he's ever been.

For the second time that day Stan's head is buried in the book of Leviticus. He mutters the phrases over and over to himself. He often wonders if he does this to punish himself. Punish himself for every time he's thought of Bill's lips and for every time he's wondered what it would feel like to kiss Bill. If he punishes himself enough it will work he thinks; he'll be able to find a nice girl and settle down to live the convention of the Uris household.

The rest of the day passes quickly for Stan, he sits through all his lessons quietly but his mind is elsewhere and unsurprisingly no one seems to pay any notice to the dazed state he is in. He can't help but replay what Bill said to him at lunch over and over, "much better now I'm with you". 

The bell finally goes signalling the end of the day and as Stanley approaches the school gates he sees Bill and the rest of the losers waiting for him. They're all talking loudly amongst each other, except Bill who has a goofy grin spread across his face when he sees Stan. Stan tries to ignore the blushing on his cheeks and greets them all. 

The group starts walking to Eddie's together, as they do every Friday night usually to watch a film and occasionally have a drink. Stan doesn't usually drink but he enjoys watching Bill drunk, his face flushing red as he spills thoughts that he would never admit if he had been sober. Richie and Eddie lead the group, Richie walking with his arm tightly around Eddie's waist both of them grinning. Stan admires how open they are and how they so easily shrug off comments and looks they get from others. Stan wonders if a day will ever come where he is like that with Bill, his arm slung loosely around Bill's waist, their bodies close- Stan shakes the thought from his head, a process he has to do all to often. He shouldn't even be thinking like that. It's disgusting (he lies to himself).

Bill walks dangerously close to Stan, their arms pressed against each other. Bill's hand brushes over Stan's and Stan looks at him to see if he can read what he's thinking. Bill has that look on his face. The look that drives Stan mad.

"I have some good beer this time, if your mom isn't home Eds?", Bev presses. The use of Richie's nickname earns her a glare off Eddie but Rich doesn't seem to mind so much.  
"She won't be", Eddie grins up at Richie despite talking to Bev "we have the house to ourselves for the night". 

Once they arrived at Eddie's, Stan makes himself comfortable on the sofa whilst Ben flicks through movie options and Bill and Mike prepare snacks in the kitchen. Richie and Eddie had gone to retrieve duvets and pillows from upstairs some time ago but had failed to return.  
Stan watches Bill in the kitchen, he has the same goofy smile on his face that Stan is so used to seeing by now as he pops chips in his mouth whilst pouring some more into a bowl. 

Bev collapses onto the sofa next to Stanley an open bottle of beer already in her hand. Stan doesn't take his eyes off of Bill.  
"You're being too obvious", she laughs nudging him in the hip. He scowls at her before taking the beer from her hand and taking a long drink from it. "What are you talking about Bev?", he sighs knowing too well of the answer.  
"You're finally going to get drunk with me" Bev cheers, reaching for another bottle and clinking it with Stan's in celebration. At that Richie appears at the door with Eddie behind him, who's practically hidden under duvets. "did I hear that correctly, Mr. Uris is drinking. Well If I do say so myself this is a cause for celebration" Richie announces in his British accent, throwing down the pillows in his hand and grabbing a beer for both him and Eddie. "Shut up guys" Stan grins, until they're all laughing. 

"What's all the noise about", Bill asks walking into the lounge with a bowl of popcorn in his hands and sliding down onto the couch next to Stan.

"Stan's finally going to become a man", Mike chuckles.

"I can think of funner ways to become a man" Richie laughs, turning to wink at Eddie with a shit eating grin on his face.

"beep beep Rich", Eddie nudges him before they both erupt into a fit of laughter.

Ben turns the lights off for the film before sitting down next to Beverly who's now lay on the floor with a duvet wrapped around herself. Richie is lay on the floor the other side of the room with Eddie perched on his lap and both their arms wrapped loosely around each other.

It's now just Bill, Stan and Mike sat on the sofa. Stan sits with his knees to his chest, his hand lay in the small space between him and Bill as if to initiate something. Stan doesn't know why he does it but when Bill places his warm hand on his and intertwines their fingers he doesn't regret it. Stan's heart is drumming loudly in his chest now, during the quieter parts of the movie he swears that everyone in the room including Bill must certainly be able to hear it. His palms are a little clammy now but Bill doesn't seem to mind, a clumsy smile tugging at his lips. Stan wonders if Mike can see them or if any of the other losers have noticed and he prays that they haven't. Is Bill worrying about these things too? He looks at Bill, he looks so calm and Stan wonders if he's actually feeling that calm or if it's just a face he puts on to put Stan at ease. 

Stanley closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, an attempt to stop his mind racing. 

(Just enjoy the moment)

He relaxes into Bill's touch a little and shifts his body so he is pressed closely against the other boy. Bill smiles at him softly and Stanley thinks that this moment right here might just be the happiest he's ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm sorry it took so long to update i'll be better from now on, i hope you liked it, i love hearing your thoughts  
> (also it's not really edited at the moment because i wanted to get it up asap for you guys so sorry for any mistakes/typos).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm n-n not gay", Bill giggles his other hand fiddling with Stan's curls. Stan's cheeks flush red with embarrassment, he had been so sure Bill was gay. If he wasn't gay, why did he so often flirt with him and hold his hand, (is this just what friends do).
> 
> "I'm muh m-more than just gay"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -brief mentions of anxiety.

When Stan wakes he's the first one up he scans the room to see Bill curled up on the sofa next to where he had been lying, Richie and Eddie were still in each other's arms under one duvet on the floor, Mike had curled up in the armchair with a fleecy blanket and Bev was lay closely next to Ben, her arm draped over his body.

Bill was snoring softly next to him and Stan couldn't help but notice how beautiful he looked even when he was asleep; as if to clear the thought from his head he woke himself up and went into the kitchen in search of caffeine and something to eat.

"You're always the early bird", Mike groans groggily walking into the kitchen and making Stan jump a little.

"Sorry did I wake everyone" Stan winced, flicking the kettle off to quieten it.

"No they're all flat out" Mike gestured to Bev with a laugh who was snoring alongside Bill now.  
Stan smiled at Bill and continued to pour himself a bowl of cereal and a mug of coffee, sitting himself at the table next to Mike he was grinning sheepishly at him.

"What is it you idiot", Stan laughed but his stomach churned a little taking a sip from the steaming mug.

"Nothing" Mike laughed again and began tapping his foot impatiently.  
"It's just-" Stan sighed knowing Mike too well to know he couldn't help himself. "I didn't realise how close you and Bill were", Mike grinned nudging Stan cheerfully.

"I'm happy for you guys" before Stan could interject Mike continued, practically bouncing in his seat. "It also means I win the bet".

"I'm going to hate myself for asking, but what bet?", Stan rolled his eyes shifting the cereal from side to side in his bowl, just to give him something to do other then look Mike in the eyes.

"Me and Beverly have this bet you see on how long it would take for you and Bill to get together. Beverly reckons you'd never actually do it but I knew my Stan would pull", he chuckled reaching over to scruff Stan's curls much to his objection.

"We're not together", Stan mutters his body tensing up at the thought of it.

(I don't like Bill like that).  
(I don't like boys like that).

"I'm not a homosexual", Stan proceeded shifting the cereal around in his bowl again, Mike fell silent and shot him a pitying look which angered Stan even more. It was as if Mike pitied Stanley for not being able to come to terms with his own sexuality.

(I don't need your pity)

Both boys were grateful when Richie waltzed into the kitchen and broke the silence. "Morning fellas'", Richie announced in his British accent which was met with an eye roll from Stan. The rest of the losers began to wake up and soon enough everyone was in the kitchen eating breakfast and laughing and Stan for a brief moment forgot all about the conversation with Mike.

Beverly is the first to decide she has to go home to work on a project and Ben instinctively offers to walk her home. Mike follows next and says goodbye to everyone but doesn't look Stanley in the eye. Richie decides he's going to stay and help Eddie clean up before his parents get home leaving Bill and Stan to leave together.

Right now Stan can't think of anything worse then being left alone with Bill. His mind is working quickly, replaying the conversation he shared with Mike and the moment he had shared with Bill. He needed to be alone for a while to process what had happened, it all felt like too much.  
Bill looked over at Stan curiously as they walked in silence down the street.

"everything alright Stan", he murmured. Stan nodded, he was all too familiar with this type of question and he had become used to shrugging it off and dealing with his problems alone. He sometimes wondered what it would be like to have someone to help him through his anxious days and he sometimes wondered what it would be like to have Bill comfort him when he desperately needed someone. His father had often reminded him that real men didn't need help they could get through anything themselves. Stan wasn't even sure if the panic attacks usually triggered by his OCD were normal. He knew there was something different with his brain but he also knew he was not allowed to speak of it. Bill seemed to understand that Stan wanted to be left alone and so they continued the walk to Bill's house in comfortable silence and Stanley was grateful for that.

"Do y-y you want to come in", Bill questioned once outside his front door a small smile tugging at his lips. Stan nodded, knowing full well once he was left alone the anxiety that had been building up would set in and he would be forced to face his problems but right now he just wanted to enjoy this moment with his best friend.

Bill's house is quiet; his mother sat at the piano working on a new piece and his father out working. Mrs Denbrough smiles at the boys but doesn't take her eyes off of the piano, unbothered by Stanley being around.

They go upstairs to Bill's room and Stan makes himself comfortable on Bill's bed whilst he fiddles with the stereo to put a cassette tape on. Bill lies on the bed as the song starts playing, Stan has never heard of it before but he likes it.  
Stanley lies down next to Bill, his head resting on Bill's chest he can hear his heart beating in his chest and he's not sure why but there's something so therapeutic about it.

_Still I don't remember_  
_Because it was us baby way before them_  
_And we're still together_  
_And I meant every word I said_  
_When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever_

Bill is running his hand through Stan's curls now and Stan can't help the smile that creeps onto his lips. 

"can I ask you something", he mumbles as he rubs small circles over Bill's hand.

"anything", Bill smiles softly. The same smile Stan has grown to love.

"how did you know you were gay", Stanley whispers as if 'gay' is a dirty word that should never leave his lips.

"I'm n-n not gay", Bill giggles his other hand fiddling with Stan's curls. Stan's cheeks flush red with embarrassment, he had been so sure Bill was gay. If he wasn't gay, why did he so often flirt with him and hold his hand, (is this just what friends do).

"I'm muh m-more than just gay"

"What do you mean", Stan asked curiously sitting himself up his hand still linked tightly with Bill's. 

"I'm pan. Panasexual, it means I'm attracted to all genders".

"I didn't even know you could be anything other than gay or straight", Stan admits his cheeks burning red.

"Well now you know, you can b-be anything", Bill murmurs. He leans forward, closing the gap between him and Stan and for a second Stan swears they're going to kiss. Bill's lips look soft and admittedly Stan has thought about Bill's lips before, more specifically what it would be like to have his own lips pressed up against Bill's. 

Bill lifts his hand to Stan's cheek holding his face. In that moment Stanley thinks he might actually kiss him, he might kiss Bill Denbrough. But Bill drops his hand from Stanley's cheek and gives a small smile before lying back down on his bed and humming to the music

_And I'm gonna keep on loving you_  
_Because it's the only thing I wanna do_  
_I don't wanna sleep_  
_I just wanna keep on loving you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the link to a spotify playlist with the song that Bill and Stan were listening to together (more songs will be added as the fic continues):  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/dd4o1st8x1i5svq6lhtqrkb1t/playlist/1C5DW1s6Kh5PTeOhx5hUDc 
> 
> -sorry it's so angsty i'll give you the fluffy happy stenbrough we all deserve soon, i promise  
> -again sorry for any typos or mistakes!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stanley you know I'm here for you right", he whispers. 
> 
> "Just don't y-you forget that".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -mentions of suicide, because Stan has a dark sense of humour.

Stanley spends the rest of his weekend studying and finds himself naturally distancing himself from his friends and from Bill. He's not even sure why he does it but he needs time to himself and distancing himself from Bill makes the events of this weekend feel unreal. 

Stan pushes the food around on his plate quietly as he listens to his parents bickering about accounting and finance: a convention of the Uris household. 

When the conversation dries up, he feels his mother's eyes burning on him. Stan looks up to meet her gaze, a painted smile forced onto her face. "How was the sleepover last night", she grimaced taking a sip from the generous glass of red wine in front of her.  
Stan shrugged his shoulders continuing to push food around his plate, his mind elsewhere. 

"I hope you and Eddie got some studying done Stanley", his father's voice came gruffly, frowning down at his plate. His father was always off with Stanley when he missed the Friday evening Shabbat service, but he had insisted that he had studying to do at Eddie's house. 

"I did", Stan lied blatantly. He sometimes worried himself with how good he had become at lying it was almost second nature to him now. 

"How is school going sweetheart? You'll have to start thinking about colleges soon, to get into the top end colleges you need to apply earlier", Stan rolled his eyes. Talking about his future was a topic he'd rather avoid but yet seems to constantly be brought up at every dinner time. 

Stanley wasn't even sure if he wanted to go to college and he knew his parents were desperate for him to follow in his father's footsteps and become an accountant. Donald and Andrea Uris had reminded him all too often of the benefits and the high income this job would lead to, Stan had never shared their enthusiasm on the subject and just shrugged along with the future that was being planned out for him. 

If he ever became an accountant he might just kill himself.

Stan is relieved when he is able to escape the dinner table and hide out in his room to study, he messes around with his speakers and shoves the first cassette he can find into the machine. He flings himself down on his bed and begins making biology notes from the textbook, the music drowning out his thoughts at least for a moment.

_In a smoke filled room_  
_With your father watching me_  
_There's three doors and no keys_  
_It's rising, it's choking me_

_In a smoke filled room_  
_In a smoke filled room_

_There's a man with no face_  
_Just a blurred out portrait_  
_In a photo frame_  
_I'm losing again, I'm losing my friend_  
_He's face down on the pavement_

_Then a woman, she screams_  
_It's a terrible night_  
_As the mood changes to dark from light_  
_Tell the doctor what's become of me_  
_So you can analyse, analyse my dreams_  
_Of a smoke filled room_

_And then we kiss and his lips turn into sand_  
_And the whole of him cascades through my hands_  
_Making a castle on the floor_  
_Then I'm alone again_  
_No keys and three doors_  
_And a smoke filled room_

_Now we're both in the room_  
_And we're breathing the fumes_  
_No doors this time, just a gap in the roof_  
_Life floods in, heaven, we're blind_  
_And slowly suffocating, we're dying_

_In a smoke filled room_  
_We're dying in a smoke filled room_

 

****

On Monday morning Stan is eager to get back to school and away from home, away from his prying parents. He goes through the day in a vile temper but no one seems to acknowledge it. Stan himself is not quite sure why he's in such a bad mood he never really has an answer for stuff like this but it doesn't stop him taking his mood out on his friends. 

They're all sat at the lunch table, Bill is sat closely next to Stan and it's driving him insane (does he not know what personal space is). Bill keeps trying to catch Stan's glance, offering him a small smile seemingly aware of the negative mindset he is in but Stan can't bring himself to look Bill in the eye. The rest of the group are energetic and bouncing, chatting away happily as though Stan doesn't exist. He flicks around his pasta in the bowl in front of him, not actually eating any as he tries to ignore how obnoxiously loud Richie is being. 

"Richie for once in your life can you shut the fuck up", Stan growls in a harsher tone then he meant to. Richie looks hurt initially but quickly masks his face and laughs. "What's got you in such a bad mood Stan the man, did Big Bill refuse to hold your hand at the lunch table", he chuckled and Mike shot him a glare nudging him hard in the arm "oww, Mikey boy you've wounded me", he cried out and clapped his hands playfully.

Without another word Stan stood up and walked off, his friend's looking after him and for once all silent. Bill followed suit and ran across the cafeteria to catch up to Stanley. Stan paid him no notice and kept walking quickly, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. They walked in silence until they were both outside the front of the school.

"Stan where are y-y you going?", Bill mumbled still having to do a little jog to keep up with his fast paced walk. "home", Stan muttered under his breath. He'd never purposely skipped school before, except for that one time when all the losers skipped together to go see the empire strikes back in theatre and they all subsequently ended up getting caught together, Stan remembers crying his eyes out in the principal's office. Bill looked over at the boy, a concerned look spread across his face but he didn't try to stop him. "I'll walk you home, muh m-make sure you get there safely and all".

Bill makes a few feeble attempts to try and cheer Stanley up, telling stories of the kid who tripped over in calc class and how Richie had cursed out their english teacher. They walk together in comfortable silence Bill occasionally breaking it to ramble about anything he can think of to try and distract Stan or lift his mood a little. When they arrive outside Stan's house both boys go quiet and turn to face each other. Bill searches Stanley's face trying to read him, looking for some sort of clue but he is of course left with nothing, he sighs exasperated. 

"Stanley you know I'm here for you right", he whispers.  
"Just don't y-you forget that". 

Before Stan has a chance to reply Bill leans forwards and hugs him tightly, his hands finding their way to Stanley's hair and his fingers running through his curls. Stan chews his lip quietly but hugs Bill back equally as tight, squeezing his shoulder a little. A part of him just wants to breakdown and cry into Bill's loving arms but he knows he's better than that; instead he pulls away and smiles gratefully at Bill before stepping through the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Stan was listening to is medicine by daughter, here is the updated hocd playlist with it in : https://open.spotify.com/user/dd4o1st8x1i5svq6lhtqrkb1t/playlist/1C5DW1s6Kh5PTeOhx5hUDc
> 
>  
> 
> This was just a chapter of pure character development for Stanley because you guys need to learn about his ocd as that's really what the fic is based on.  
> It makes me so sad when Stan thinks 'If he ever became an accountant he might just kill himself', because I'm not sure how well you know his character but he does become an accountant and jesus fuck someone protect this precious, sarcastic boy. 
> 
> Also I've written Stan's ocd as though it is triggered more so by his anxiety and i've done this as it's the same for me and more familiar to write about. You get to see really how his anxiety and overthinking affects him here, the way he turns on his friends because of his own mental state without one given reason for doing so. I think it's so important that people understand there doesn't need to be a reason for a decline in mental health.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just wish you'd trust me Stan, you have my heart please don't break it".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -mentions of vomit  
> this chapter really shows how much of a nerd i am  
> appreciation for Bill in this chapter please he's so soft and confident when he's drunk i love him.  
> -brief mentions of how much i love stanley uris and i want to give him a hug and tell him everything's going to be okay.

Stan has always hated Halloween, even when he was a kid. Nothing appealed to him about getting dressed up in stupid costumes and asking random strangers for candy. He supposed it stemmed from his parents, who never allowed him to trick or treat. There just seemed to be a lot of pressure for him to have to spend the evening with friends having fun and something about that was overwhelming. 

So when Bev suggested they all go to a Halloween party at Greta's house Stan was immediately flooded with an all too familiar anxious feeling; one that made his stomach feel uneasy and added a slight shake to his hands. 

"we're not even friends with Greta", Eddie points out looking as equally as anxious as Stan. "guys come on it'll be so much fun", Bev whines and turns to face Ben. "you'll come with me right", Ben blushes and nods in agreement which earns an eye roll off of Stan: Ben would do absolute anything for Beverly.  
"count me in", Mike adds and soon enough Richie agrees to come followed by Eddie and then Bill. The group looks at Stan and Mike smiles sympathetically. "we duh d-don't have to stay long Stan", Bill smiles and Stan nods.

He only has to stay a few hours, how bad can it be?

****  
The 31st of October quickly approaches and Stan tries to ignore the anxious feeling in his stomach and bad taste in his mouth, he'll have fun. If he tells himself enough maybe it will be true. 

Stan is getting ready at Ben's house, with Richie and Bev. Bill and Mike are at Eddie's house because Richie made a fuss that Eddie couldn't see him in his costume before 'the big night'. 

Stan had been reluctant to dress up at first but now he stood in front of a mirror admiring his homemade Link costume, a smile tugging at his lips. Bev hugs him a grin on her face, "you look so cute", he pulls away from her hug but he's still smiling. Maybe he will have fun tonight. Beverly sits down on the bed and starts applying blood to her face for her Carrie costume. 

Ben is dressed as wolverine and is perched on the bed next to Beverly attempting to attach claws to his hand. Ben's bedroom door slams open and Richie strolls in, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

"and what the fuck are you supposed to be", Stan mutters as he adjusts the hat over his curls. 

"I'm a meatball", Richie erupts into laughter before doing a twirl to parade his costume to everyone.

"you look like a rock", Stan sighed and Richie places his hand over his heart before forming an 'O' with his lips and erupting into a fit of giggles again.

"wow I really love your elf costume Stanley", Richie quipped back.

"clearly I'm Link from Zelda and at least I put effort into my costume, you're basically just wearing a sack over your body", Stan pointed out and he was right.

Richie is wearing exactly the same outfit as he'd been wearing all day, black ripped skinny jeans with a faded band shirt. The only difference is he has a huge fabric meatball strapped over his shirt. 

"Eddie's not going to be dressed as fucking spaghetti, you know that right", Bev laughed as she applied some more blood to her hair. "he doesn't need to be dressed up to be my spaghetti", Richie grinned earning yet another eye roll from Stan.

"what's wrong? Has big Bill not got a nickname for you yet Stan the man?", Stan blatantly ignored him; a skill he'd become very good at. 

****

They all clamber into the back of Ben's car, with Beverly calling shotgun and head to Eddie's to pick up everyone else (of course Ben was the first to offer to be designated driver).

Eddie walks out first and he's wearing a long white dress, Richie practically falls out the car to go greet him. "Spaghetti, you look ravishing", Richie squeals, grinning before doing a curtsy and kissing Eddie's hand. Eddie is of course dressed as Princess Leia and Richie starts rambling on about how he should've been Han Solo. Mike is wearing a stormtrooper costume which sets Richie off all over again. "did you two plan to have matching costumes without me or something", Richie sulks as he climbs into the backseat next to Stan and Eddie hops in after, perching on Richie's lap. 

Bill squeezes into the car next to Stan and he tries to ignore the feeling of Bill's body pressed up tightly against his own. "you look so cute", Bill grins and pushes away a curl from Stan's eyes. Stan can feel himself blushing and shakes away the words, "you look really good too", Stan replies shyly, not wanting to catch Bill's eye. He isn't lying, Bill is wearing a dark green jacket over a long black shirt with black trousers and a grey headband. His hair is gelled across his face to give him a side fringe and Stanley knows instantly that he's dressed as Kakashi Hatake from Naruto.

The journey is short and Stan stares straight ahead of him trying desperately not to stare at Bill's hand which is now resting half on Stan's leg. The party is crowded and speakers boom out the lyrics to a song that Stan doesn't recognise. He swallows his panic and walks through the door, staying close to Bill for reassurance. 

Stan watches Bill all night as he gets cup after cup of shitty beer. He doesn't drink because quite frankly he'd like to be in control of himself at a strangers house and someone has to watch out for Bill. 

Bill is dancing in a crowd of people, his face flustered and sweaty and he seems to have lost a few layers of clothing at some point in the night. Stan watches from the edge of the sofa at the back of the room as Bill dances carelessly with his arms above the head and a huge grin on his face as he belts out the lyrics to the song. He looks happy and Stanley can't help the smile that tugs at his lips. 

Bill dances towards Stan and he looks ridiculous which just makes Stan laugh harder. He dances in front of Stan for a moment screaming the lyrics to him and Stan has to bite his lip an attempt to hold in his laughter.

"OH, DANCING WITH MYSELF, THERE'S NOTHING TO LOSE AND NOTHING TO PROVE DANCING A-WITH MYSELF", Bill is breathless but he continues to dance to Stan and scream the lyrics at the top of his lungs. He offers out his hand and pulls Stan up off of the couch. "Bill I-", before he can finish his sentence Bill pulls Stan to middle of the room and into the crowd of people dancing. 

His hands are still linked with Stan's and he continues to dance which mostly consists of him jumping up and down and bopping his head completely out of time with the beat. Stan giggles and looks around, everyone is completely out of it and he guesses no one will really notice if he dances too. He jumps around next to Bill and joins in on the singing and the grin on Bill's lips is beautiful and Stanley wishes he'd never stop grinning. 

The song draws to an end and Stan politely excuses himself because he's feeling flustered himself now. Bill smiles knowingly and returns to the crowd of people still dancing like an idiot. 

It's difficult for Stanley to find an empty room in the house that doesn't have people hooking up in. He pushes the door open to the first room he comes across and is met with Richie and Eddie both shirtless and making out carelessly. "Stanley the manley", Richie cheers before returning to Eddie's lips and he is of course completely wasted. Stan shakes his head before shutting the door behind him. He passes Ben and Beverly in the hallway, Ben gently pressing kisses into Beverly's neck and he can't help but smile for them. 

He ends up queuing for the bathroom just to get five minutes peace, when Stan finally bolts the door shut he exhales and relaxes a little. The music is still audible but a bit more hazy and unclear from here and everything seems a little more manageable. "dude hurry up I need to piss", a yell comes from behind the bathroom door, Stanley sighs and quickly splashes some cold water over his face before returning downstairs to look for Bill.

Bill is still dancing and Stan wonders how he has the energy to keep on going. He has a different circle of people surrounding him now and there's a girl dancing closely with him. Stan's not sure why that makes him so uncomfortable. Bill is whispering something in her ear and she throws her head back giggling before slinging her arms around his waist and pulling him a little closer. Stan wonders why Bill doesn't pull away. He is now perched on the couch again scowling at the pair from across the room and he doesn't know why but he has a very strong urge to march right up to this girl and slap her, he doesn't though. 

Stan chews at his lip as he watches a taller good looking boy approach Bill and join in with the dancing, the boy twirls Bill around and he begins laughing uncontrollably, clutching at his stomach like it's the funniest thing in the world. Stan bites down harder on his lip. He watches quietly as Bill dances with the girl and he watches quietly as Bill dances with the boy, but when the boy pulls Bill closes and peppers kisses on his neck and jawline Stan can't watch and he storms out of the room; tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

Stan has no right to be angry him and Bill are just friends but jealousy washes over him all the same. Stan marches out to Ben's car which is still pulled up in front of the house and has been carelessly left unlocked. He slumps into the passenger seat and fiddles with the radio. If it were his car he'd just drive home, If he didn't feel the need to stay and watch out for Bill he would just walk home, but Stan is aware of how out of it Bill is and he knows he can't leave his friend here in that state. So he waits the party out. 

It's almost 3am by the time the party quietens down. A drunken Richie and Eddie have already decided to walk home and thankfully Mike decided to go with them to make sure they get home safely. Stan watches as people file out the door and stagger home. He decides he should go look for Bill. 

The lounge in the room is practically empty with the odd couple making out and a few people asleep on the couch. Red cups are strewn over the floor and patches off beer stains are all over the cream carpet, Stan vows right there to never have a house party. 

He finds Bill lay in the upstairs bathroom, slumped next to the toilet and the smell of vomit is strong. He wrinkles his nose before sitting down next to Bill. Bill's head is resting against the sink behind him, his eyes half closed and his shirt now seems to be stained with vomit. Stan tries not to gag. Bill's eyes flutter open and the corners of his lips twist up into a smile. 

"where did you d-disappear off to". 

"surprised you noticed, you seemed pretty preoccupied last time I checked", Stan winces and this time it's Bill's turn to roll his eyes. 

"I hate it when you get jealous of me", Bill slurred thoughtfully and rubbed his eyes. Stan is a little take aback by his honesty and he's not quite sure what to say. "muh m-m makes me feel like y-you don't trust me, like buh buh b-because I'm panasexual I'm just going to go hook up with anyone and everyone".

"I do trust you", Stan interjects.

"If you trusted muh me you wouldn't get so jealous whenever I interact with a person that's not you", Bill mumbled shutting his eyes, his words failing. 

"I just wish you'd trust me Stan, you have my heart please don't break it".

Stan froze at the words, he was drunk, he had little control over what he was saying, he doesn't mean it.

_you have my heart_

He tried to shake the words from his brain as he cleaned Bill up, wiping a warm flannel over his face. He stared down at his stained shirt and took a sharp breath before removing it, he couldn't let Bill sit in his own sick. Bill was drifting in and out of sleep and every so often he'd open his eyes and smile at Stan before thanking him and Stan would tell him to go back to sleep and stop being an idiot, which would make Bill grin some more. He wrapped his own green jacket around Bill's body without a thought and tried to pick him up. Bill Denbrough was much taller then Stanley and much to difficult to lift.#

"Bill are you awake"

"mmhm", Bill smiled sheepishly up at Stan, his head still resting on Stan's arm from where he'd attempted to pick him up. "can you walk for me", Stan asked again and Bill just shook his head. 

"you're going to have to get on my back", Stan sighed and pulled him and Bill up off the bathroom floor. He crouched down a little and after a few attempts Bill was sat on his back, his legs wrapped around Stanley and his head resting on shoulder. Stan could feel Bill's warm breath against the crook of his neck and it gave him goosebumps. Bill hung his arms loosely around Stan's neck and shut his eyes, smiling. 

Stan clambered around the house searching for Ben and Beverly. He eventually found them in a spare room, they were both still awake and were just talking. Beverly grinned excitedly when she saw the two of them stood in the doorway. "you two are so cute", Stan blushed but shrugged off the words. "Ben can I borrow you car, I need to get Bill home and I think I might collapse if I have to carry him like this much longer". Ben nodded and handed over the keys to Stan.  
He turned to look at Beverly, "you're good to walk home later of wanna leave now". Bev smiled at the boy, "let's stay a little while longer", and she shot Stan a wink, "you can't take Bill back to his house, his parents might just have a stroke if they seem him like that", Bev smiled wryly before returning her attention back to Ben.

Stan strapped Bill into the passenger seat and turned on the radio quietly as he drove them both back to his house. 

_nothing's gonna hurt you baby_  
_as long as you're with me, you'll be just fine_  
_nothing's gonna hurt you baby_  
_nothing's gonna take you from my side_

Stan was thankful that all the lights were off in his house and his parents were both asleep. He carried Bill upstairs to his room and fetched him a glass of water and some painkillers for when he woke up, he cringed at the thought of the hangover Bill was going to be greeted with in the morning. Stan made himself a makeshift bed on the floor and tucked Bill into his own bed. 

A small smile tugged at Stan's lips, "you have my heart too".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUSIC FROM THIS CHAPTER AND ANYTHING USED IN THE FIC HAS ALL BEEN ADDED TO THIS SPOTIFY PLAYLIST : https://open.spotify.com/user/dd4o1st8x1i5svq6lhtqrkb1t/playlist/1C5DW1s6Kh5PTeOhx5hUDc  
> (go follow it if you like)
> 
> I am so sorry it's been so long i've been caught up with school work and reddie fics (go read wonder violet)  
> also i kind of like that none of their costumes match and they're all nerds


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "in detention with Bill, what did you two do", Eddie mumbles and now Bev and Richie are grinning at him. "yeah Stan, what did you two do?"

Stan wakes up first, unsurprisingly. He wakes up hot and sweaty, with the faint scent of cheap beer and vomit masking his body. Bill is sprawled out in Stan's bed and Stan's green jacket still clings to his shirtless body but at some point in the night it has ridden up a little, revealing Bill's bare torso and Stan tries hard not to stare.

Everything from the previous night feels like a distant memory to Stan. Recently Stan has constantly been feeling this way: detached. It's sometimes as though he's not living but merely just watching his life pan out before him. 

Stan guesses his brain tries to detach from things when they get too serious, like that time his goldfish died. Or that time where his best friend drunkenly mentioned he had feeling for him. 

_you have my heart, now please don't break it_

Stan shakes the thought from his mind as he turns the shower on. He stands under the shower head for a while, the boiling water beating down on his back and washing away any thoughts of Bill. 

(of him and Bill)

 

Bill is sat upright now, with a pillow propped up against his back. Stan tries to pretend not to notice how much Bill is staring at him as he walks in the room with only a towel wrapped around his lower body. Bill's grins at him, his lips parted as if he was about to say something. He says nothing. Stan tries to ignore the way his eyes trail up and down his body and he tries to ignore the smile that is now playing at his lips. He catches Bill's gaze for just a moment before hurrying to grab some clothes, his cheeks blushing.

He grabs a shirt and throws it over his head, not bothering to wait until he is dry. "You look awful". The harshness of the statement causes Bill to giggle and he shakes his head lightly before running a hand through his hair. 

"I f-feel awful," he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and Stan joins him, leaving a gap between the two of them. 

"How much do you remember from last night"

"jesus um I remember duh d-dancing and the v-vv vomit-", Bill shook his head trying to make his memories become clearer.

"there's a lot of gaps in my muh m-m memory from last night", Stan nods a little relieved that Bill doesn't seem to remember any of the conversation from the previous night. 

"I do ruh r-remember you giving m-m me a piggyback", he giggles and Stan rolls his eyes. "duh duh didn't know you were so strong Stan", he laughs again and Stan nudges him playfully but now they're both laughing. 

"I b-b best be getting home", Bill sighs and he looks down at his shirtless body and back up at Stan. "oh shit you probably are gonna need some actual clothes", Stan laughs and throws Bill one of his own shirts and a pair or jeans. 

Bill gets changed in the bathroom and does a spin to model the clothes to Stan as he walks back in. He's still wearing Stan's green Link jacket from the party, seemingly reluctant to return it to its owner. Bill pulls at the crotch of the jean uncomfortably and hops from one leg to another, "fuck why do you wear your pants so tight", he moans and Stan just laughs a little flustered.

"m-mind if i borrow this to walk home in," Bill gestures to the jacket. "keep it, looks better on you", Stan mumbles and now it's Bill's turn to blush. Stan wonders if that was flirting, he was new to this and a part of him liked seeing how he could so easily make Bill blush, as Bill could to him. He pulled a hand through his hair and looked at Bill awkwardly. 

"thanks for l-ll looking after me", Bill grinned softly. 

 

****

On Monday the school is still bustling with the news of Greta's party; who hooked up with who? Who passed out first? A party for Derry, is about the most exciting the town ever gets. 

Stan's lessons pass quickly, it's not until maths that he finally sees Bill. Bill sits a row behind him slightly to the right and Stan can feel his eyes burning on him the whole way through the lesson. When he decides to glance back at Bill he is met with Bill grinning from ear to ear at him and Stan's not quite sure why he is so happy but he shoots him a weak smile anyway. 

"Mr Uris would you like to kindly share with the class what is so exciting behind you," Stan jumps at the sharp voice and his teacher is glaring down at him, his body burns red but before he can answer Bill joins in. "s-s sorry sir that's my fault", Bill is trying to stifle a laugh and Stan blushes harder staring intently down at his desk to avoid both the teacher and Bill. "I'll see you both in lunch detention at one sharp please, no excuses".  
The lesson continues and Stan tries desperately to focus on his work and not the boy sat behind him who still has that stupid grin plastered across his face. 

(Idiot. He's going to get us into trouble again if he doesn't stop staring)

The bell goes signalling the end of the lesson and lunch and Bill strolls over to Stan's desk before the bell has even finished chiming. "Quit staring at me all lesson", Stan mutters as he shoves his books in his bag carelessly. Bill blushes hard, "I'm nuh n n-". He doesn't bother to try and complete the sentence because they both know it's a lie. 

At lunch Mike seems to have disappeared again but no one is quite sure where he is, "he was in history with me first period", Ben offers.

They all eat in silence for a moment, the group a little lost without Mike. Stan takes note of how Beverly is flirting so obviously with Ben, who are sat unusually close to each other. Then Stan remembers the party and how he had seen Ben pressing kisses onto Beverly, he remembers they had been in the bedroom just talking with each other and they had both looked so happy. He smiles for them, everyone had been so painfully aware of Ben's crush for Beverly and it was nice to see it was reciprocated. 

The rest of the group seem oblivious to the flirting, Richie and Eddie too caught up flirting with each other. Eddie is practically sat on Richie's lap they're so close to each other and Richie keeps trying to feed Eddie, much to his protests. 

Stan thinks that maybe Bill is sat just a little too close to him but he doesn't seem aware of it as he takes another bite from his sandwich that same grin still on his face. Stan wonders why he won't stop smiling, there is something slightly irritating about it. 

Bill excuses himself from the table to grab some coffee before detention and Beverly immediately turns to Stan, "so what's got him so happy". Stan shrugged, "how am I supposed to know". Bev smiled at him again and Stan could've sworn he saw her wink at him. Richie amazingly stays quiet on the topic, hopefully learning his lesson from last time he teased Stan about Bill.

"I'm going to go, got detention too", Stan murmured. "Stanley Uris in detention, why I never thought the day would come", Richie smirks in his best attempt at a British accent. 

"in detention with Bill, what did you two do", Eddie mumbles and now Bev and Richie are grinning at him. "yeah Stan, what did you two do?", Beverly grinned and Stan rolled his eyes before walking off to find the classroom he was supposed to sit in for an hour. 

Bill was already there and Stan signed his name on the register before sliding into the seat next to him. Bill smiles at him and then nods his head towards the board at the front with a list of rules on.

**No talking**  
**No food**  
**All students must work for the full hour**

Stan tries to get on with his trig homework but out of the corner of his eye he can see Bill smiling too himself. Stan stares at him curiously, what is going on with him? Bill keeps shaking his head lightly and grinning as he makes notes. He catches Stan's glance and grins harder before sliding him a note between their desks.

_see smthing you like?_

Stan screws the note up in his clenched fist and his face burns red. He quickly scribbles a note on the back of the scrawled up paper and looks around to check no one is watching as he slides the note over to Bill's desk.

_why are you smiling like an idiot?_

Bill doesn't reply to the note he looks at it, grins and then looks up at Stanley and grins again. Stan frowned at the boy before burying his head down to the desk and beginning his work. 

The rest of the day passes quickly and Stan is eager to get home. School for him feels like he's holding his breath all day; a lingering anxiety that people are always staring at him. Stan knows this isn't true but he can't shake the thought from his mind, at school there is just too many people for it not to be overwhelming. When he gets home and collapses on his bed he is grateful that he can finally exhale the breath he feels as though he's been holding in all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -i'm going to try and keep to an update schedule of once a week from now on


End file.
